—Mention that in creationism's young earth theory dirt really isn't that old.—Manage comparisons by exhuming Strom Thurmond's body and keeping it next to him.
—When the subject of Social Security comes up quit referring to his own benefits.
—Visit more nursing homes and ask, "Now what is this place again?"
—Stop using phrases like "Lands sakes alive," "Gee willikers," "23 skidoo," and "Obama's mother wore army boots."
—Show computer savvy by telling us, "I just expanded the RAM on my VIK-20 another 16K."
—When the story of the diapered astronaut comes up, don't ask, "What's so funny?"
—Don't use William Jennings Bryan to make a point. The earliest to go back is Coolidge.
—Refer to Cindy as "My old lady."
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