Volvo Driving Soccer Mom

I know everyone thinks I'm very addled out here on the half acre, maybe hooked on horny goat weed or something. But I'm really not. I'm actually a very demur, thoughtful guy -- who's single, happens to live with his 104-year-old grandmother, and occasionally suffers severe anima attacks.

At those times, when I'm driven out of my mind -- like by a laughing girl in a convertible with her hair blowing in the wind or chicks who are forward enough to order whiskey at soda shops -- I can't think straight. But that's what it means to be driven out of your mind; your thoughts are crazy.

Today, and usually this is true, I'm demur, as I said. Today's one of those days. I'm taking care of business. Yes, listening to a little music, which is OK. Today I was listening to Everclear and their CD with the song, "Volvo Driving Soccer Mom." It's one of those that comments on aging, changing, maturing, and wants to suggest that something essential was lost in the process. Kind of like Bowling for Soup's "1984."

But, c'mon, being gangbanged in the bathroom? That's supposed to evoke a sense of nostalgia for your lost youth? Being a Volvo-driving soccer mom would be way better than that. But there's one part in the song I can really "dig" -- hope the lingo doesn't throw you... If she's now a Republican, obviously that's no good. If there's anything ever not to be, it's a stinking Republican. (Sorry, Grandma, I'm not talking about you.)