American Idol

Regular readers of this blog know that I like to think that, given the right circumstances and breaks, I might have been the next American Idol. And that I would have wowed the stadiums full of people with my ability to sing, play the guitar, and sign autographs.

What the right circumstances would be ... they'd have to be drastic. Very earthshaking drastic. Like I would need to somehow shed about 30 years of age. I'd need to have a nice voice instead of this breaking, squeaking, off key one. I would probably do well also to have a more commercial appearance. Being dumpy in the face hasn't worked since Roy Orbison, and I don't like the feel of sunglasses; I like the actual colors of life, not to see everything through a 5 o'clock shadow. I'm a little overweight, my shoulders slump, I'm balding, I have stage fright, I basically blend in with lampshades and wallpaper.

One thing I do know how to do is tune a guitar. Just get me started with a piano and I can figure it out from there. But that's the extent of it, plus a few chords. I'm not as terrible as some, but not as good as most.

Watching American Idol, I love the disasters and wrecks. Of course we'd like to see actually good talent a little more than we do ... but we have weeks of that ahead. Now it's time to see those who think they have a chance but are actually as hopeless as I would ever be myself. The key thing always to remember is that when you're 25 you don't realize that you're hopeless. You are literally the last one to realize it. Just wait till you're 50. You will look back over the bleak expanse of your past life and just thank God you're able to get out of bed and look at the empty sky. Your past was a disaster and the future isn't much better.

But, hey, that's me ... just an old romantic, very sentimental. I've been there, done that. Well, I haven't done much, because nothing's really possible. Your parents were just being sentimental when they said you could do anything. You can't.

Anyway, read that two times and call me in the morning. The worse you feel the better things will go. Because you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt ... dreams are meant to be shattered. Just look at the concept of the show. Only one person in millions is going to win. That makes the rest of you losers. Life is good!