A Hiatus Through Thick And Thin

You don't know how hard it is for me sometime to maintain, or enforce, this hiatus break I took.

I see the way the world is, how society's going, politics, all that, and I almost feel compelled to jump in. I feel I probably have it within me to lead us all to a safer, saner world, one in which brother loves brother, and sorrow is gone.

How would I do it? Well, of course it depends on how high up I'm able to go. Let's say I just wanted to bring together the family heads or chieftains of my immediate neighborhood. I might start with a few speeches on the corner of our lot -- and I'd probably rally them with a free pig roast. People will come out for food. Then once the speeches were done, we'd synchronize our calendars and schedule meetings for better understanding. The Slumps always had the Swishers as their bitterest enemy, and vice versa, but were we to come together on the basis of a common humanity and a common neighborhood, some good might come out of it.

Then the higher up I went, at the citywide level, then county, then state, then nationally, then the western hemisphere, then the entire world, the speeches would have to vary to match the greater challenge. And for the pig roasts we'd obviously need a lot more pigs. You can figure that one pig would feed probably 25 people, and more if there's quite a few kids, which we know third world countries have in great abundance, just going by the ad on TV for the place where you feed an entire village for 99 cents a day.

Eventually the president would be having consults with me. I'd be on TV in some weird native dress I'd need to come up with, a turban, a big symbolic poncho, a Nehru jacket, and bedroom slippers, to show how pacifistic I am. I would have my team of advisers come up with a new universal symbol we could trademark and print on all our literature and coffee cups.

We would have a one world government without the fear and unpleasantness usually associated with that concept. Because anytime there was an outbreak of hostilities, I'd be there with one of my canned speeches and pork, which by then would also be canned so it wouldn't spoil. The people, I would reason with and send them home well contented. Any hotheads who would continue to stir up trouble we would -- I don't know what we'd do with them precisely. We'd probably have to resort, once in a while, to torture and lobotomies, and if those didn't do the trick, send them to the Phantom Zone. Just so it wasn't overdone.

Without a doubt it's hard to bring everyone together in a feeling of mutuality and brotherhood. Look at our own country. We have the entire Republican party wanting to secede from the Union, all the while proclaiming their love and patriotism for America; there's a disconnect there. But it could be done. Listen to their grievances, get them to shake everyone's hands, count to 10 if they feel their head going hot, give them counseling with the rates on a sliding scale, and maybe hire more civics teachers. Plus, all the time they'd know torture, lobotomies, and the Phantom Zone were out there. Since we already know they're amenable to torture if it's for the common good, I don't see it being a problem.

These things I'm tempted to jump in and do. But I will not violate the terms of my hiatus. I need to watch out for Number One, and that means time off, time away from responsibilities, no matter how great the opportunities for good are.