How To Kill A Hiatus

First, let me say I'm not a natural born killer. I don't like killing but am a strong believer in the doctrine Kill or Be Killed. So if a guy is coming at me with a knife, and my precious life is in mortal danger, then his precious life is in mortal danger. I'd rather be a lover than a fighter. Just don't bring a knife. Which goes double for Garrett Al.

I don't like killing animals. If people leave carp out of the water after catching them, it bugs me. I don't go hunting anymore just because I don't want a bunch of baby squirrels up in the nest wondering what's keeping Mom with dinner. I do eat animals -- slices of them, chops, steaks, legs, wings, filets, fish sticks, baby back ribs -- for dinner myself, but they're all pre-killed before they get to the grocery store. They've got a guy who does that in the factory. Black tights, no shirt, hairy back, black hood, medieval axe. Very mean.

But I've been scheming in the last few weeks how to kill my hiatus. Maybe it's not even here. Let me explain. I see it but maybe it's not literally here.* But like I've said several times, what I see is a huge blob filling my house, who has hidden my swords, knives, battle axes, even an old compass from the junk drawer. Grandpa's old guns are also missing. The only thing in the gun case is some pink blob slime.

The blob himself is constantly here, who is a lazy layabout who likes to eat and drink. Everywhere you go he's there looking at you with little holes that seem like eyes. He blocks the door, he's always underfoot. Like right now, my hand is resting on a mouse pad that's about three inches thicker than usual and breathing.

I'm sure he could read this, but nothing is hindering me so maybe he's just giving me enough rope to hang myself. Or maybe he wants to know my plans. Or maybe he's not paying attention. He seems to be roused more by body language. Like if I raise my hand apparently in anger or make a loud noise, that's when he's spooked. Even when it's accidental. We had some breeze. I pushed the door shut and the breeze caught it and it slammed. In an instant the hiatus had me pinned against the wall, a meaty tentacle against my neck so I couldn't breathe. At least I knew enough not to fight back. Just relax like a 'possum.

And that's what I'm thinking will be the key to killing him. Relax. Don't do anything. Ignore him. Which is ironic, because just like you fight fire with fire, it takes a hiatus to kill a hiatus. Whatever you're doing feeds him. So do nothing, ignore him, relax and take a load off, and he might just die. Then with the new little hiatus you're taking, kill it while it's still in the crib.

As to the benefits of ignoring things, I used to hear it a million times, Instead of going to the doctor, "ignore it and it'll go away." And I've tested it and it's pretty much true. You can see it with common everyday things. If you ignore food it goes bad. Put it in the refrigerator and forget it. It won't be the same when you get back. It's like it's too depressed to go so it just curls up and rots. This even happened with the toothpaste a couple weeks ago. It ended up in a drawer. Then about six months later we ran out of toothpaste. I thought I'd use the one I saw in the drawer. But when I tried to, the toothpaste inside had literally dried up and hardened. Which means ignoring something makes a difference. And who hasn't noticed that air leaves tires when they're ignored, like on on your bike in the winter?

I might just try it. He'll be starved for attention. But this could be a disaster. He might see my plans and thwart me. Then whatever little hiatus I'm taking as a means of killing the bigger guy, he would grow to the point that the world was overrun by my inbreeding hiatuses. Vicious cycle and nasty thought. Somewhere under there are hiatus genitals. I better take another look at this mouse pad.

*Now, one other thing. I said above that maybe my hiatus is not literally here. That's true. It could be a hallucination. Like the olfactory hallucinations I get, smelling things that others don't smell. But I'm still thinking I might be able to kill it by ignoring it, maybe even more easily if it's not even here to begin with. And there'll be a rich payoff, because either way he'll be gone.