Do Not Disturb

We've all seen the old movies where the honeymoon couple puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on their door. Then they shut the door and we're left to imagine what's going on in there. I would guess that whatever it is is pretty lascivious.

There's a scene in one of Elvis' movies, "Girl Happy," and he even sings a song called "Do Not Disturb." Part of the lyrics is: "Do not disturb, hang a sign on your door. Do not disturb, it's time to make love, and I can't wait ... a minute more." Now that's lascivious.

I've been to motels, of course -- most of us have at least one motel stay in our history -- and there'll be a "Do Not Disturb" sign there. As far as I'm concerned you may as well just step out in the hall and announce to the motel what you're doing in there. Because it can't be anything good.

You'd be down for the continental breakfast later and everyone would be staring at you, because of whatever they imagine must have been going on just minutes before. Did they wash up? And if you have that healthy glow like they show in Viagra commercials, when the guy shows up for work the morning after, they'd probably lose their appetite. This is only minutes later!

What's preferable from the privacy point of view, to me, is just leave the sign alone and dead bolt the door. Then the only one who can figure out your activities inside is the maid, and they never speak. They just make hand signals as they're going door to door with their cart and supplies, as if to say, "I've seen everything but I'm sworn to secrecy."

Now, someone will probably say that a "Do Not Disturb" sign could be used for other reasons. Like if you're super tired, you've been on the road, and say you got in late, you checked in at 3 in the morning and you don't want up when the maid comes around at 8 or 9. To which I would reply, "Yeah, sure, we all know what's really going on."

I myself have never ever put a "Do Not Disturb" sign out. I see them and leave them on the inside of the room, like they're radioactive. I like my privacy. And I wouldn't be crowing about it to the world for anything. You see one of those signs and it's the same as them saying, "Guess what's going on in my room, not that you'd need three guesses." Or maybe you do need three guesses, but the first two don't count.

The worst thing you can see is just a guy checking in by himself and he has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. You immediately suspect he's got a date, with a doll. It's disgusting. That's a room that needs to be completely disinfected.

I'd rather be safe than sorry. There's no sign. Go ahead, disturb me!