For A Good Time, Call

Let me say right at the start that I've never called anyone for "a good time." I'm way too demur and respectable for that, plus I have a built in system of phobias that, while they may have limited my carnal forays, have kept me at least healthy enough that it doesn't burn when I pee.

But just because I haven't called anyone doesn't mean I haven't noticed the offers. Meaning, since I haven't called, I've never really known what happens when someone does call. It's always been something to wonder about!

In the last week, I've seen two separate "For a good time, call" notices in public places. A couple of things have been notable about these. The phone numbers, you could probably make out if you went over and studied them very carefully, like with FBI help, but they were indistinct just in glancing at them. If I'm writing my number on walls -- just me -- I'm going to make sure they're not calling the wrong number. And the other thing, there's no date, no cutoff time to the offer, it's just open ended.

This is the most important thing of the two, since you'd just take down the number as it appears, depending how desperate you are for a good time, and try the possibilities. Or ignore it all together. But what if the number is perfectly clear, yet there's no date? Let's say he or she wrote it seven or eight years ago. By now, maybe the number's no good; people switch numbers fast today. I might be calling "Rochelle" and get Maude. Or "Darrin" and get Sarge. Or, more importantly from their side, they might've grown up and gotten married in the last few years. That'd be no good.

"Uhh, hi, Rochelle, this is Ted. You don't know me but ... I got your number off a wall downtown, about having a good time ... And I'm kind of new in town, and I can't keep up with my libido; it's flaring up again; and---" "Damn! Is my number still there? I'm sorry, I can't help you, I'm changing my grandson's diaper."

Depending on how many calls these people get -- and there's no drop down tag to show the interest level -- it might get pretty bad, meaning you'd have the change the number ... and then they're calling someone else. To their credit, at least they don't usually put last names, so you can't very well track them down. Although it'd make a great hobby for someone, someone who likes "Cold Cases," to track these people to the ends of the earth and forever shame them for advertising "good times" on walls.

I was driving through the country, on a highway, and I came to a little town. I needed a bathroom and what I could find was an outhouse in the town park at the edge of town. I went in and there were some of these "For a good time" scrawls on the wall. How tempting that is for someone like me who won't even touch the door handle in a public toilet! Then there was another one that was even more compelling, something like this, "I come through here every Tuesday at 3:30 p.m. ..."

If this were a movie, of course I would've looked at my watch and it would've been his time. He would've come stalking in like a grandfather clock, ponderous and pendulous. Fortunately, it wasn't. Still, even for that guy, it'd be good to put a date, in case things change; no one wants to be waiting for him if he doesn't show. But let's say he does show but he keeps circling the block waiting for you to leave. He has no clue you're waiting for him. You don't know what kind of truck he has, he doesn't know you ... it's a mess.

In my opinion, it'd be best just to put a Post It note. It's obviously temporary. It's obviously recent. If you're really that horny, it's going to pass. And you're more likely to get actual calls, if that's really what you want.