The Biggest Bag There Is

If you do any shopping at a health food/coop type of store, you'll know what I'm talking about. To get a bag to carry out your stuff is the worst thing you can do. We've finally decided the biggest obstacle to environmental health is the shopping bag.

I'm smiling, really. This isn't a post in which I'm the angry guy, lashing out at my enemies real and imagined. There's enough time for that on other subjects. I too am a little pissed off at people who need bags to carry their stuff in. If you want a bag, go to Walmart. It's de rigeur there, and since you're already showing your hostility to the environment, and humanity itself, as you're the master of thousands of Chinese slaves, you may as well take two.

I say I'm smiling. Actually I can see both sides. I'm not the savior of the world, and Walmart is good in this sense, that at least it gives the Chinese something to do. I'm there all the time. And the environment can take care of itself; if it was able to go from a molten hellish stew five billion years ago to the lush, hospitable place we have now, it can handle a few plastic bags.

Still, there are quite a few people who feel they should apologize for living. And the way they recognize one another has to do with the bag or no-bag test. So you go to a health food/coop store, and they've got a few bags at the end of the checkout lane -- they're only decoys. They're there to test you. When they ask you if you need a bag and you say no, you can pass through the door and leave. But if you say yes, a hole opens in the floor and you're swallowed up. You'll notice they're never lacking for Soylent Green back in aisle 13.

I've been there plenty of times, and I've faced the bag/no-bag test many times. I'm smart, I always say no, then I gather up my items in my arms and make my way to the car, dropping things, making multiple trips back to pick up things, etc. It's surprising how resilient a dozen eggs can be.

But not today! I decided I'd had enough, and I'm in a piss-and-vinegar mood anyway, so when she asked if I needed a bag, I said, "I'll take the biggest bag you've got," and spread out my arms to let her know I wanted one the size of bedsheets. She reached for the button, I felt the floor opening and quickly straddled it. Some green zombies came running from the back room and I snatched up my two items and ran to the car. Stuff isn't that hard to carry when your life depends on it.