Tribute To The Oversexed

I keep my eyes open. I see what's going on. I may be old and over the hill in some respects, but that doesn't mean I'm blind and without the ability to put two and two together.

In all my seeing -- I see so much! -- I notice a lot of situations that could lead to hanky panky. Extreme hanky panky of the worst sort: Him and her, him and him, her and her, him and them, them and them, and so forth. It's wild what goes on.

Over the last few weeks I've been compiling a list. I've been quietly keeping it, some of it from observation, some of it just out of my head, of the oversexed and what they are up to, of course on the sly.

I'm putting it out as a kind of tribute. For the reason that, how they do it, how they're able to put up with the terrible strain it must make on their psyches and libidos, it's beyond me. I'd personally rather sit in a monastery, alone, solitary, and apart from society, with blinders on just for added safety, than to see so much sex on a daily basis.

Who, then, are these recipients of my tribute?

--Masseuses and masseurs. These are the ones who can't help thinking of sex, as they knead the tired muscles of the exposed bodies of their clientele. And if it's not their desire to think of it, they have to know what their clientele are thinking of, meaning they have to think of it too. What can we say of masseuses and masseurs? Don't go into that business if you plan to retire without an STD.

--Pool attendants and lifeguards. Good grief, the bikinis, and tight little swimsuits. You may as well just emblazon it on your forehead, "I'm a pervert!" There's no other reason anyone would ever be a lifeguard. Because let's face it, we're not expecting people to drown. And rescuing them is very nasty. So it has to be the bikinis and skimpy outfits that draw them, then keep their minds permanently occupied.

--Nurses and doctors. They're in those little rooms with their patients. There's an obvious power differential, leading them to indulge. It's a shameful business, the racket of medicine. They know they've got you trapped and they're going to have their way with you. They even pack their own lube.

--Counselors of the troubled. We've all heard of transference, the phenomenon of counselees developing a thing for counselors. Leading to dangerous situations where counselors can take advantage of them. I personally am a troubled individual, and could obviously use counseling, but this is why I don't go. I'm too aware of what they have on their mind. They're never going to be able to say they nailed me.

--Grocery store managers. I've been to the grocery store a million times. And I never saw one single grocery store manager in all that time who looked like he had anything on his mind but groceries and the business of the store. From this I have to conclude, who is more devious than a grocery store manager? They've got all that young flesh standing around, stocking shelves, checking groceries, flirting with the customers. You can't tell me the manager hasn't got his own "express lane," if you know what I mean. It explains why there's always so few checkers -- 10 cash registers and no one but a little old lady on duty. They're all in the back buckin' for a promotion.

--Birthday party clowns. My opinion is you'd have to be a fool to hire a birthday party clown. If it's not well known that birthday party clowns are among the sickest, most oversexed human beings in the world, then mountains also aren't high or valleys low. Turn a blind eye to them at your own risk! Their nasty business is able to flourish because, quite frankly, people are fools. And they're taking advantage of the situation, right down to all the bouncing on the lap they love so much.

--Parking lot attendants. There's a reason why the parking lot attendant sits way above you, looking down. It has to do with cleavage. Either wear a turtleneck or park on the street. Drive these perverts out of business.