If Your Name Was Judd

Of course I know there's lots of people named Judd. There's not going to be anything here to take offense at. I'm keeping it on the up and up.

I saw a guy the other name whose name was Judd, so it's no big deal. In fact, seeing Judd was what got me thinking about it. His last name was Judd, and there's people whose first name is Judd, too.

We had the country duo, mom and daughter, The Judds. And there's Ashley Judd. And I remember, though I didn't watch it, a TV show called Judd for the Defense. A lawyer show.

The word "Judd" is a very heavy word. It's got the weight of the two Ds. It reminds me of  "Bass," which we think of as the bottom of music. Judd's like that. Plus, once it's down, it just sits there like a Judd balloon. You can hardly budge Judd. Take a look at the final D. It'd fit snug in the corner. A piece of dust couldn't squeeze between the wall and it. The U's got a good bottom too, curved like a bottom, as is the J. A tight little word, Judd. It's also got that note of finality, like Thud. "Here I sit, I can do no other." And maybe that's why they chose it for Judd for the Defense. It's more determined and stable than Will 'o the Wisp for the Defense.

My purpose in writing about Judd is not just to pay it appropriate tribute as a word and name. In addition, I want to play around with it, interchanging it for judge, jugs, and who knows what else.

A judge is a stern character, usually, even Judd Judy. But we have fun with judges, always messing with them (when they're not around), saying, "Your honor," like we really mean it. Remember Pigmeat Markham, "Order in the courtroom, Here come the Judd!"

Even Jesus got in on the act: "Judd not, lest ye be Judd." To whom I say, "Who am I to Judd? I deserve to be Judd, I've no place to mete it out." Which is true. If you Judd someone else, that's bad. But in the end no man will be your Judd. Whatever Judd you face will be from above.

It's weird that way back we had a guy like Pigmeat Markham, but he was a big star for a while. I always saw him a novelty act, thanks to the record, "Here Comes the Judd." And there were others sort of in the same category, like Moms Mabley. Now there were some Judds, wasn't there? With a name like Moms, you'd expect it. That's Moms as a plural. (I just googled her and her dress was so loose, I can't tell her Judd size.) But I found a quick recording of Moms, which clocks in at just over a minute, about a man buying a bra for his wife. In that case her Judds were the size of fried eggs! So there you've got Mother, Judds, Speed.

I thought I had more than this, but if that's it I'll Judd have to accept it. Or sleep on it. (I'm writing this in the evening, Judd about the time I start getting sleepy.) Earlier in the day, there's Judd no stopping me. Which is Judd how it is, like it or not, but not Judd as it should be.

Of course we all have greater energy when we're fresh, it's Judd common sense. The draggy feeling is Judd what happens. It's like walking, you can go fast on the sidewalk, but if you slip in the Judd, of course it's going to slow you down.

Speaking of slow, Judd is a slow word, very slow, as compared, say, to Jazz, a fellow J. Nothing like the bounce of Jazz. It'd be tough to hear Fats Waller telling the old lady what Judd is: "If you gotta ask, you don't wanna know!" What are you, some kind of Juddhead? Juddin' and jivin'? I'm Judding too many balls in the air now. Made the mistake of going for the Juddular. From here it's just a Hop, Skip, and Judd to the reader's Juddment.

I'll get up in the morning and be ready for something better. I hope. A little Aunt Juddmimah on my pancakes. Get down to the Juddnasium for some exercise. See some chick on the elliptical and start singing, "Judd the two of us, we can make it if we try..." Come back home and watch Andy Griffith, Goober going, "Juddy, Juddy, Juddy."

If you're name is Judd, Judd smile. And please spare me my Judd desserts.