The Inevitable Paywall Blowback

Just yesterday I announced that my blog is going behind a paywall. I feel I have a right to make a living. Forgive me if I'm wrong -- sheesh! You can tell I'm a little ticked off. I've gotten some guff. Of course I'm not a neophyte, I knew it'd happen. And so it was, the inevitable blowback from my normally docile readers was quick in coming. It's all the usual caviling you hear whenever there's change. Of course they want life to stand still and never progress. To them, I hoist a massive erect finger and wave it around -- Choke on it!

On the other hand, I suppose I took them by surprise. I've been writing the blog for over five years without as much as a peep about money. With the big traffic I've managed to build up, it only stands to reason that on average they're going to be set in their ways. For them it's one big free smorgasbord! But try that at an actual fine restaurant ... they wouldn't dare!

But I'm unmoved by the flak. I'm sticking to my guns. Because when the paywall goes up, I'm planning to make a bunch of money. And for every person I lose, I'll probably gain a dozen. Having a paywall makes the place much more exclusive. And eventually -- looking way ahead, with the extra money -- we might even have a chat room where readers can go and assist each other in the perceived necessities of their carnal life. Winking, billing, cooing. But not yet.

At this point, I just want to review the basics of what's coming up, in case you missed it yesterday. The paywall access will be $100 a day, or $2,800/month. Going along with that, each level of support will have its own community designation. I'm still working out the labels. I haven't decided, for instance, if the one-day level of support will be called Worms, Wastrels, Failures, or Meagres.

Now, let's get back to some of the caviling of my worst readers, who've truly worn out their welcome -- I've had it! I'll finish off with some analysis of them and their problems. Most of the haters are very disgruntled, as you'd probably expect. Like red hot mad, and so they're willing to say anything. Check out this first bozo:

I'll never pay!!! There's plenty of other stuff on the net that's still free.

To whom I say, Yes, I, too, know of a recipe site in the Ukraine that still offers a free page. I think it's for oatmeal with a side of yak. Bon appetite! Hope you choke!

Our next brainiac has some problems with spelling. It's hard to believe I would attract a mouth-breather like this. But even as stupid as he is, I hope he manages to scrape together the money. He won't get any real good out of it, but he'll be that much poorer.

Your blog sucks dik. Good ridence to it. I wod not pay never no way.

My reply: I think I know what you said. I think if you look inside, you'll find out it is you all along who sucked, and still do. On the other hand, for someone with your issues, you might find relief in paying me. True, please, hear me out. You're used to measuring the value of something by your own infantile thought processes, whereas the majority of us see things more maturely. We're able to stand closely, or stand at a distance, to appraise a thing for the value it actually has. So in your case, if you were to pay me, and it's only a measly $100 a day, you would have that personal investment, and thereby what seemed like it sucked would suddenly become more valuable, even precious, to you. I'll expect your money, plus $20 for the therapy. And if you won't pay, choke on it!

Just one more example, one of the many variations I got on the first mail above:

We don't need Grandma Slump. There's plenty other blogs to read.

True, there's plenty of blogs. I just saw one the other day advertising veterinary health supplements. That's all they do, load you up on pills. Nice health plan. I hope they misdiagnose you as a wide-throated horse and give you an extra big prescription. Choke on it!

What we're dealing with here, of course, is the usual crap you see whenever a popular website goes up with a paywall. We always see the same thing, which we call the "5 Stages of Paywall Grief." 1) Anger; 2) Confusion; 3) Sinking in Quicksand; 4) Bargaining; 5) Acceptance.

The first three are self-explanatory. In Bargaining, in this case, I'll probably get earnest calls to give away more $5 vouchers ("scholarships"), or increase them to $7.50. Which I will likely do. Then there's Acceptance, when the average reader gives in -- it's all very predictable -- and pays the subscription fee. Complete, utter surrender. They're addicted to the site, and with the passing of time eventually they can't resist paying. They might need to take out a loan, overextend themselves with new credit cards, sell their house, sell their organs on the Russian black market, or whatever, but they'll be back.

Even though I have called my readers primadonnas on more than one occasion, I know you truly want me to succeed and do well with this paywall system. Because my success is your success, you think. You think you made me, and, you know something, if that makes you feel better, I will let you go on thinking it. Yes, you did! Thank you so much for my success, through no effort of my own!