There's Gotta Be a Better Way

It came up the other day at breakfast, What are we doing, sitting here, exposing ourselves like this, letting everyone see us stuff food in our ... mouth?

I've been embarrassed about it for years, and I've said so, but it's like no one's paying close attention, so I just do it, brazenly, and figure that covers it. Act like there's nothing especially weird about it, get it done, and go. Walk out, then collapse in tears...

I've actually sworn off these public places more times than I can count, eating like that, because of course being in public's where the real embarrassment is. There's a entire staff watching your every move. The manager seats you. The menu deliverer makes sure you're comfortable with the fine print. The waitress' hands are clean and she has her place at your side. There's a guy at the bar scrubbing a glass, giving you a thumbs up. On and on. The manager's back at his books, multiplying a few figures, writing a hopeful note to himself, "A few more warm bodies made the trek -- we remain hopeful."

Before leaving home, I look in the mirror, moving my mouth up and down -- one lip at a time, like everyone -- and see there's no obstruction. I don't want food stuck and someone doing the maneuver on me. Every eye in the place turns, people crossing themselves that it wasn't them, then the words of encouragement, "First time you ate? It goes like this," showing the up and down motion. I'd be like, "No, I've done it ... all my life ... " I trailed off because they're already back at their meal. Had I died, it would've been that much more for them, but they seem genuinely relieved.

There's gotta be a better way! Everyone needs a mantra, how about that? I guess I'm questioning what the seer always says, This is the best of all possible worlds. My reasoning, which I'm keeping to myself, is it doesn't hurt to imagine better. Then if it turns out to be better, whoever takes the credit, that's nothing to me.

They came up with the nicotine patch for smokers who couldn't quit. How about the same thing for eating? A whole series of patches for all the food groups, pineapple, pork chops, eggs, hamburgers, chive dip, etc. A long time ago we heard that we'd be putting a pill on our plate and expanding it with water like a sponge. My idea just takes it the other way, the expansion taking place in your body. Actually, a pill could expand in your belly. Although if it were powder, when it expanded it'd be like chewed up pieces.

Till they come up with that, there could be a pore opener you apply to your arms and neck, creating stigmata-like ooze points for absorption. Then you apply a bit of food there, wrap it in gauze, and you're good to go. I've heard of ladies putting fruit on their eyes at night, same idea. Absorption's the key. It'd free up your hands for more important things, and your mouth, and take away some of the shame.

It might even look comical, giving the world a whole new reason to be happy. "What's that you're working on, Thanksgiving in July?!" They give you a good-natured slap on the back, only to realize they just smashed a pie. Lemon meringue, too, that's now dipping down your pants!

I can definitely picture myself saving all kinds of time when traveling. No more stops at fast food restaurants and fighting the crowds. The other day I was at a place and a guy rushes in, stepping in front of me, and blurting out to the lady, "I need a glass of water, my baby's thirsty!" I had to think, You're a dad (or boyfriend) and you can't provide your baby even the bare minimum of a glass of water without begging for handouts? What's the world coming to? My dad would've moved heaven and earth to avoid that.

Instead of facing these situations, what if I had an extra absorbency roast -- a large pork or beef roast -- gauzed to the back of my neck? I wouldn't be eating in public, I wouldn't be stopping, I'd save time, and I'd have a built-in neck rest. It's a winner all the way. Then I'm barefoot, let's say, with some coleslaw smeared to the accelerator, a biscuit on the gearshift knob, and a grape on the ends of each finger. At the very least, it'd do wonders for my coordination.