E Pluribus Pumpin'

Part 2 of 30

Self-Abuse September

I’m so grateful for the founder and enduring mascot of our great United States of America, Uncle Sam, to make an appearance here. And it’s only fitting that he should, with his motto, “E Pluribus Unum,” literally, “He comes massively, then sleeps.” Unum is an interesting word, coming from baby talk, taking their bottle and dozing off, chomping drowsily on a pacifier. It’s Pluribus that’s the super soaker, meaning coming in buckets, big winding flowing undulating turgid rivers that forever run, wind, wrapping their wet selves around the dry land begging for moist favors. By the way, it’s never nice to come till you rive 'er, unless of course it’s that time of the month.

She’s welcome, by the way. But at my house if I had an uncle like Uncle Sam, he wouldn’t have been all that welcome. Because they were always looking out for our well-being and morals, although childhood frankly was a little more on the wild side than you tend to think. You have a lot less reserve when you don’t know right from wrong. But then, like Adam and Eve, you learn right from wrong and immediately get dressed.

Still, it seems OK for kids messing with kids, but you have to leave the uncles out of it, of course, especially an old reprobate like Uncle Sam. The last thing we need is for Uncle Sam to be choking chickens from sea to shining sea. And making off color insinuations or asides to unseen but happy parties somewhere just out of the frame, presumably behind him and with just the right angle, about which he’s able to lasciviously ad lib, “I Feel Ya Back There Pumpin’.” Some uncles are like that, none of mine, thankfully.

It’s a funny thing to say, though -- “I Feel Ya Back There Pumpin’” -- and if it’s just between yourself and your partner(s), it can be a great encouragement to them, sort of synonymous with, “You’re doing a good job” or “Your performance is gratifying to me in ways I can’t completely … No! Oh!" Or “The fish are spawning!” Or “I’ll give you exactly 24 hours to zip your pants! Or “That’s right! Right there! Yes, yes, yes!” And so forth. Which is the same kind of climactic calling out we used to do before we had cable TV and someone on the roof was adjusting the antenna and the picture suddenly came in clearly. “Right there! You got it! Perfect!" "Ooooh baby," I'm purring like Barry White.

From sea to shining sea, do your part, then, to let it shine. Let me feel you back there pumpin'. And don't forget to clean up after yourself, if that's something that is part of your routine. I hope it is.