Linda Lovelace For President

Part 10 of 30

Self-Abuse September

I hope the Linda Lovelace advertisement doesn’t stir up anything. I mean of a negative vibe, that kind of thing. As for stirring anything else, in a series on gratifying self-abuse, I suppose it could, although the taller you are the more farfetched it’d be. I’ll go first and say it doesn’t stir anything in me except my memories of seeing the film in a theater during its short run. And at this distance in time I needed Wikipedia to remind me what it was even about. My biggest memories of it were 1) Micky Dolenz was the bus driver; and, 2) There was a bus.

In my moments of research I made note as well that Ms. Lovelace has since passed away. I probably heard about when she died -- it’s vaguely familiar -- but my retention of who’s alive and who’s dead, unless it involves traumatic assassinations or loved ones in their last throes (Grandma or my various dogs), is faulty. Be that as it may, I didn’t mean to bring everyone down. This month, more than any month in history, September being Self-Abuse Month, I want everyone to be flying sky-high! Like in the Tom Jones album, “The Lead and How to Swing It.”

If you’d like to get off here, I would understand. Anywhere a guy can get off -- say something hits your funny bone just right -- that’s something to treasure. Here’s an assignment. Take the titles of the songs from that Tom Jones album and think of something lascivious about each one. Ready? 1) If I Only Knew; 2) A Girl Like You; 3) I Wanna Get Back With You; 4) Situation; 5) Something for Your Head; 6) Fly Away; 7) Love Is On Our Side; 8) I Don’t Think So; 9) Lift Me Up; 10) Show Me; and, 11) Changes. I think “Changes” makes a good last title, if you’re thinking of changing the sheets. And “Lift Me Up” more naturally fits either before or after “Something for Your Head.”

The lasciviousness of it writes itself. "If I Only Knew" I was going to blow out the bedroom wall I would have gone to the bathroom. "A Girl Like You" needs to find how how Grandpa used to start his car, with a crank. "I Wanna Get Back With You," that is, as soon as I doublecheck if I have a better offer. "Situation..." A situation's what we're gonna have if your dad walks in. But I'm packing heat. And it's not a gun.  "Something for Your Head," but I'll aim lower. "Fly Away" but don't mess up your landing strip. "Love Is On Our Side," rightside up, upside down... "I Don't Think So," but a couple more minutes and I'll be done. "Lift Me Up," hope it's not too heavy, I've never had complaints before. "Show Me," but don't show me up. And, "Changes," because occasionally the sheet's ... as aforementioned. 

Then examine the hand: Quality, Variety, Service, Comfort, Saving. Just to be brief, on quality at this point, personally, anything will do. As for variety, let's touch on the basics first. Service, it's that time of day. Comfort, I'll make myself at home. And Saving, pretend the world's ending tonight, let's go for the moonshot!

Going back to Linda Lovelace, the point of mentioning her is only because she was one of the more famous porn stars. Porn is one of those weird things that you don’t really need or want a long drawn out story, or even that much length to the film. Unless you plan to watch it in installments. But then the bus scenes and Micky Dolenz would be an unwelcome distraction. Certainly it’s good to have a scenario, but beyond that ... who cares? "Get down, humpa humpa, slurp slurp, eeee-yaaa, shit shit, The End."