Sow Your Seed

Part 29 of 30

Self-Abuse September

Well, friends, we’re getting to the end of the month, and it's a sad one for me to end. But you know what they say, if you can stretch it out that long, you're better than most guys. But we only have today and tomorrow, pretty close to the end. So today I’m going to give you a good public service-type announcement, not to take away your happiness but to add to or sustain your happiness against girlfriends, boyfriends, strangers, bullies, those who don’t know the boundaries, enemies foreign or domestic, etc.

You see our friend there, an upstanding farmer scattering seed right in his own field. He’s our spokesmodel for appropriate boundaries and respect in our relationships. Of course I’m not overly moralistic. I say if your relationships are with inanimate objects -- sex toys and assorted things, and some people are turned out by chair legs -- go to it, dig in. Whatever you want to do within the limits of the law and what you yourself choose. “The more the merrier, ya ha, look at me frolicking in the field with my Gorgeous George Orgy Candle! I’m a free spirit, I can’t be contained!” Yah hah, I'm as free as any seed-bearing animal!

There are relationships with animate objects, however, by which I primarily mean people that can get you in trouble. If you're self-abusing in the light of their memory, ya ha! But as you no doubt know there’s a lot of dimensions to relationships, jealousies, easily hurt feelings, grudges, and misunderstandings. Most of it -- short of infecting others with deadly diseases -- can be dealt with in a reasonable way. But sometimes it turns deadly, but I don’t want to dwell on the negative. [Deleted section]. You alone know what you’ve done and whether it deserves a terrible response like that. My opinion, and I’ll keep it succinct and to the point, don’t let things get so bad. [I deleted a section there about a guy getting eaten by hogs, OK? You don't want that.]

Other than common sense limits, however, there's no limits. “Ya ha, here I am frolicking, we’re all so free and beautiful, flowers in our hair, no clothes, a couple guys dragging their pants by their ankles and tripping.” I’m not your judge, but I’m old with the experience of a lifetime behind me. I’ll be dead any minute, hear me out. And I won’t even insist on it, I’ll just put it out there and you can do with it what you want: Listen to the old farmer, “Sow your seed in your own field.” Sex -- and self-abuse that we’re focused on here -- is more fun within voluntarily established limits.

Of course there are exceptions. You’re at a major musical event, the second coming of Woodstock, flower children are in the pond, etc., join in! Buy a condom if they have them. If not, you can do a lot with a slice of willow bark and a few rubber bands. Or if you want the ultimate safe trip, of course self-abuse never goes out of style. You’re on stage, you’re getting into it, Jimi Hendrix, Jr. is up there kicking up the Purple Haze and you’re getting down, giving it your all, right in the eye of the cameraman, that’s a beautiful scene, man. Dig it?