Hands Up! No Sex!

No. 14 of 30

There's Death In Them Thar Drawers

Once you’ve made up your mind that, indeed, Thar’s Death in Them Thar Drawers, you’re well on your way to foregoing everything of an unpleasant sexual nature. See that, I’m just putting it on the line, a kind of test. Of my assertion and your discipline. Obviously we’re not messing around here but shunning entirely all drawers and their contents!

It is, of course, less harmful to picture in your mind the perfect arrangement within drawers, all pristine and certifiably so, according to the best standards and the closest most trustworthy presentation. But, then, if  you're not careful, that's the exact point when your fantasy life takes on a whole new layer of fantasy to deal with. You’ve taken a step in the right direction, starting with the fantasy, but the real challenge is to avoid the reality. You might choose right.

As for myself, I know the comfort is pretty good, certainly in the beginning. Let me encourage you, step back! Practice makes perfect, they say, but your lack of practice will make it very challenging. If you don't stand back, I can't be responsible. It's like the old clergyman said, "If you practice to fail you fail to practice (abstinence, cold turkey eschewing, the heroic stance with a difference)." Again, I encourage you. You want to be perfect, pure. Any morals entirely ignored are eventually forgotten. Consider the monks and nuns in religious orders who've taken a vow to a higher love. They've done it. They’ve cast off chastity belts, other devices, and even the buddy system, and are at long last perfect. Nothing shakes their resolve!

I have to say, as to myself I’m not quite there, but almost. I’m definitely not tempted by every sweet young thang. Being older, I look like a gnarly battered potato, so they’re able to run away without me even getting a good temptation on. Take it from me, the worse you look, the easier it is. Which brings up a good point of advice. If you look good, you're probably doomed. You should quit bathing, changing clothes, and even combing your hair. No one’s forcing you -- that’s my disclaimer if you object, but it’s your ideal, realizing at long last the truth I'm putting forth: There is death in them thar drawers. And you, just like me, don’t want to cross the line where death will get you!

If you are still influenced by the police, that’s good. If you’re the kind of person that hates crime and adores law enforcement -- this is the way I live -- you can picture in your mind the police watching your home day and night. (They're not really, but you’re picturing them!) You go outside, you walk up the block, minding your business. You know the police are watching so you don’t vary in your behavior, you're strictly good all the way. Then you walk home the same way. Day after day the same thing, till even the imaginary police assume you’re good enough to ignore, and very soon even the imaginary car is gone, never to be seen!

Now widen your scope to include any and all sexual temptations. Think of the worst criminals you can. Lee Harvey Oswald, John Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde, The Penguin. Now bring your fondest temptations to the fore. You see they're hideous, like things done by criminals as sick as crap. You don’t want anything to do with them! The police are gone and you’ve still got your integrity. A job well done, they won’t be running you in for encroaching. You, my friend, are a winner!