My Destiny Consultations

Knowing Your Destiny

Part 27 of 30

One of these days, if I ever get my life organized and can really bear down on pursuits, I’m hoping to monetize some stuff. Just people talking to me in incidental little meetings, like running into someone at Walmart and they ask me where the toy department is ought to be worth at least a quarter. Then there’s the meatier stuff, like consulting with me on anything I’m an expert at. Anything I blog about, of course I couldn’t blog about it unless I were qualified to do so. It's in the Constitution.

But my education is extremely impressive -- going by the classes I actually passed -- which you probably already know by my scholarly lingo. Full sentences, very little slang, willing to tackle any subject head-on, and bold to put my opinions out there head-to-head against the best of deceased scholars. Politics, religion, opinions on yard work, tips for an efficient life (don’t wait till the end of the month to balance your checkbook), and so many other topics I can’t even list without a fee.

Probably the biggest reason I haven't done it yet is I’m too lazy to put all the pieces into place. I always try to do things by the book. That means I need a tax attorney and others. I'd have to dispose of my present identity and take on something that suggests a more scholarly, disciplined character. Then I'd launch into a consultant role. Visiting you everyday with my briefcase. And being just up-the-wazoo helpful, with relatively low fees, undercutting everyone.

Of course one of the big consultancy jobs that’d keep me perpetually in the green would have to do with Destiny. The generic fortune tellers of old kept it somewhat mystic and a lot more mysterious than I like. I’ll be a consulting friend on the subject, giving you the green light or nixing it when it comes to your destiny. I have a kind of electric arm-hair system on a lot of things. If it’s positive it tingles in one way, pleasantly. Or negative, it tingles in an unpleasant way, one of the evolutionary cues most of us have forgotten, hackles, bearing my fangs, growling. My arm tingled endlessly and very unpleasantly when my dad died. I almost had it removed.

Then there’s the topper to the whole thing, that there will be an accompanying Certificate of Excellence. I’ve actually found this is the only way to go. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth a Certificate of Excellence. With limited rights for you to claim it merited my Certificate of Excellence, but certainly the higher the fee, the more you can brag, boast, and/or tout it that by paying your precious money you earned these unequaled Certificates of Excellence. They're printed on 30 lb. paper so they're quite a lift.

I can see myself helping to determine your destiny everyday. Which could be done in a snap. Very easy. My guesswork has been noted for quality in scholarly articles I've written. Then there's the ongoing fee, which you will love paying because of the positive strokes I give you. You'll be the toast of the town, everyone knowing your destiny has to be a particular grade of excellent or you wouldn’t have warranted the opportunity to brag about what I've told you, that your destiny is certified "Excellent."