The Great Ape

No. 3 of 31 -- Thermometer series

How’s this for luck? No more do I get started on the Blog Drive for the Ages — thermometers registering my progress, subscribers, commenters, etc. — when there's suddenly a threat out of nowhere... That's not luck, that's conspiracy.

It happened in one of the Big City alleys, the worst alleys in the world. I was scanning the littered corners and dumpsters for soda/beer cans for pin money, which I’ve done to the point of hanging around nursing homes/apartments, glancing at my watch, waiting for slow-drinking old men to finish, when what do I see? Signs, which I suspect are being transported around town and strategically placed, but to what purpose? Could it be: 1) To scare the crap out of me with threats? 2) Or warn me that if I come messing around here someone’s gonna know why? and/or 3) An ultimatum: Put your tail between your legs, little boy, and GIT! I almost turned back, I almost cried, then I got a grip and said, “Uh, we shall see about that!”

Back home I reasoned it out: This is only the third day of the thermometer drive; these people can’t already be that invested in stopping me. Are they reacting to what I’ve done or somehow anticipating all that is to come? How does either of those scenarios make sense? I’m not the center of the world, am I? I guess I am to myself, but I seriously can't be to everyone else. Like when I have to go to the bathroom, no one alerts me, I just know. That’d be freaky, you start getting calls reminding you to go. That must not happen, not on my watch.

I calmed myself, and being brave once again I went out, and what do I come across? Literal signs that a Great Ape (possibly more than one) is about to be released! It took my breath away. I fell to the ground and started pulling my shirt up and pushing it down. The way we recovered as kids when we got the air knocked out of us. And it’s the old ways that still work best. I was quickly better, but not mentally.

What was this? I questioned myself. I went through the possibilities: A conspiracy against me, something to destabilize society, a false flag operation, the counterculture disrupting all norms, even a movie ad? I seriously had to think it was directed at me alone, like most things. Maybe a threat, but more likely a sick promise! The thought came, This could be a premonition and a warning from my main blogging competition, darker versions of my own blog. Or maybe even the world's most popular bloggers, Pashtun tribes and Iraqi herdsmen in the far flung parts of the world. Bad things may be coming if I don’t back off this thermometer drive. But where are they? If the world’s round, they're clear on the other side. But if it’s flat, they're straight thataway.

I got clever, too clever. I looked around, then set my phone on a ledge to video the place with the signs. But when I went back, it was gone! I did the whole 'Find Your Phone' thing and there was no sign of it. So they had turned it off... I swore to myself, "I won’t be any chimp’s chump!"